Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
