So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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