whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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