Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
