I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
