Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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