My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
