so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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