Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
