he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
