she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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