If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
