I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
