made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
