I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
