Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
