i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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