I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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