I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just cropdusted the office
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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