Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
