Apparently you make a good broom.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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