you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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