hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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