So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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