There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
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