i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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