I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
