rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Boobs speak an international language.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
