May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
