the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
