Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
