I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
