gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
