I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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