I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
