i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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