thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
