Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
