I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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