if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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