I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
