Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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