4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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