i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
