That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
