New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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