I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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