I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
