i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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