It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
